2.05.2026

flying to my grandpas funeral. grandpa i didnt really like. confused, sad, anxious, in denial. 

while boarding a plane a little girl keeps smiling at me. 5 or 6 year old. smiling with this pure joy in her eyes. shes looking at my moschino teddy bear phone case and my gucci shoes with a fringe and beads. i get her, i dress in a way thay would make

me smile me as a child as well. i smile back to her and show her my phone case

omw to a funeral of a man who was always angry - seeing this honest smiling little creature. just curious and excited about how many funny lil items i own. when her parents drag her by her hand to the plane she stops to look at all the shiny buttons and switches in the pilots booth. shes just like me. i also always look and try to decipher them. i guess im closer to her than i ever was to my grandpa. (is it true or do i just want to write that?) i think my grandpa lost this curiosity. he was what in my mind was being a serious grownup was about. serious grownup concerned with serious stuff: real world - no spirituality, literature - but as a symbol of status, knowledge - but as a source of power, art - just as a commodity and conversation topic. no joy - resentmemt. 

looking at this little girl just smiling at everything, excited about every tiny thing broke my heart. when did he lose it? will i lose this pure joy and curiosity? is it just how this real, serious world looks like that i keep avoiding? that my parents tried so hard to keep me safe from?

little smiling kids and dying old grandpas full of resentment. 

i still havent cried after my grandpa dying. i havent cried since my other grandpa died, more specifically at his funeral. that grandpa i loved with the whole of my heart.

i dont know if i can cry, if i want to cry. im angry at this grandpa. maybe he tried to be in my life more when he was older and scared of dying soon, but idk. when i was a child he never cared about me. i felt it. i regret rejecting him out of spite. i know maybe i needed it.

so many feelings running through my head rn. regret - understanding towards myself, guilt - trying to calm myself. 

i dont know.

im sad that he died. 

i dont know if i feel it yet. 

im angry for how he treated my mom. im angry for how he treated me. 

hiding my glassy eyes behind my saint laurent sunglasses. not crying tho. trying to cry. but just trying.